DENNIS walks through the door of the bar and slams it behind him. He looks positively gleeful. There’s a real spring in his step.
DENNIS: Everybody, gather ‘round. I have some big news to share.
THE GANG gathers ‘round. Dennis surveys them all a moment, and then takes in a deep breath.
DENNIS: Now, I realize this may come as a bit of a shock, but I think I should just come right out and say it: everybody, I’m queer.
THE GANG starts talking over one another, hollering things at Dennis.
DEE: What do you mean you’re queer? You bang chicks all the time!
FRANK: Are you saying you want to bang dudes, too?
MAC: …Are you saying you want to bang dudes?
Dennis lifts his hands.
DENNIS: Guys, guys. Please. You are all operating with an extraordinarily antiquated understanding of what it is to be queer. All this talk of “banging dudes.” Ridiculous. That’s not what the word queer means.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I thought it just meant, like… weird. Or strange.
DENNIS: That’s exactly right, Charlie. Which is why I, as an aromantic heterosexual man, can claim the word.
FRANK: What the hell is an aro-
DENNIS: I’m glad you asked, Frank. I read about it in GQ. An aromantic heterosexual man is someone who is sexually attracted to women, but has no desire for a relationship with one. Which, let’s be honest, describes me perfectly. And that’s why I’m coming out. As part of the queer community.
DEE: You asshole.
DENNIS: Dee, that is extremely aphobic, and I will not have it. Calling me an asshole for my sexual preference is no better than calling Mac a -
MAC: Please don’t finish that sentence, Dennis.
Dennis throws up his hands, faking defensiveness.
DENNIS: Well, excuse me, allogay.
MAC: What? What are you -
CHARLIE: Hold on. I’m confused. If you want to bang chicks but not date them, how is that… weird? Or strange? I mean, I thought that was pretty common.
FRANK: Yeah! You know, I think I might be an aromantic heterosexual, too.
DEE: Oh, Jesus Chri-
DENNIS: That’s wonderful news, Frank. And I hope you know that no matter what these aphobic bigots say, you are valid.
FRANK: Wow. I’m valid!
DENNIS: That’s right. Now let’s hit the strip club and bag us some puss!
Frank and Dennis high-five one another and exit through the front door. The remaining members of the gang are silent for a moment. Dee and Charlie exchange a skeptical look. Mac, eyes still on the door, lets out a sigh.
The library at Stourhead, Wiltshire. The library was built in
1792 by Moulton & Atkinson for Sir Richard Colt Hoare, who filled it with his collection of books about art, antiquities and topography. Much of the furniture was commissioned from
Thomas Chippendale the Younger. The lunette window was made by enameller Frances in 1803 and is
based on Raphael’s School of Athens fresco, depicting the great thinkers of the classical world.
